I have abandoned this blog for over three months now; I thought it had been only two but time is passing much quicker than I realize. This also means that I have been out as transgender for nearly three months. Coming out (again) was something I thought I would never do. Once seemed like plenty and twice was simply torturous. Hiding my true self was a massive contributing piece in the puzzle of my alcoholism; up until the end of my drinking and using, the alcohol and drugs allowed me to avoid diverting attention to the part of me that wished so badly to be revealed. My dishonesty contributed to my suicide attempts as well. If I killed myself I wouldn’t have to tell anyone. Now that I’m on the other side of the door again life has taken on a much brighter filter.
Entirely accurate statistics regarding the LGBT community have yet to be collected; there is still fear in coming out, regardless of the progress society has made, which contributes to the inability to properly gather correct information. Studies that have been conducted reveal that those in the community are more likely to use alcohol and drugs compared to the general population. Research suggests that up to 45% of the LGBT community struggle with alcohol dependence. According to the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, there are nearly 18 million Americans who abuse alcohol and more than 100,000 die of alcohol-related causes each year.
I’ve been considering lately my purpose in life. It’s an unknown that’s endlessly plagued my existence for the past few years. What am I here for? What am I meant to do? As the fog of alcoholism slowly dissipates, I’m starting to make discoveries about myself that I was unable to make before. I have been pondering what my innate gifts are and realized I’ve always had the capability to help people and make them smile, so perhaps that is a facet of what I’ve been placed here to do.
I’m starting to accept that I’ve fallen into two niches of the population: transgender and alcoholic. Both have copious amounts of people I can help, people I can make smile. I want to be a place of support for those who are like me, to be a beacon of hope that things can and will eventually get better, as long as you’re honest and willing to work on yourself. That is what I’ve learned thus far. I’ve been far from perfect and have only done a few things properly but as I’ve shared myself with people and taken a step back to see the areas in which I can make adjustments, I’ve grown into a better person. I’m in a completely different place today than I was 163 days ago when I was shattered, hopeless, and addicted.
I’m still an alcoholic; that is as much a part of me as being transgender is. But today I am a recovering alcoholic. I am taking small steps each day to adjust my thinking, my behaviors, and the way I respond to life. Today I try to pause before instantly reacting to whatever takes place before me. Living reactively is exhausting. Today I have direction and goals I am working to accomplish. I want to legally change my name, to begin HRT, to run for thirty minutes without having to pause and catch my breath. I want to finish my steps, to start helping other alcoholics, to become more involved in the LGBT community. I want to find other transgender alcoholics who struggle with the same difficulties that I have.
My reach on this blog is minuscule but I would like it to be greater. I’ve heard the saying, I’m finding my place in the world and I want to help others do the same. I don’t want to see anyone else die to this disease, nor do I want anyone to die feeling lost and alone in the sea of binary heteronormativity. I want to make a difference in this world and that is what I aim to do.
My name is Elliott and I am a transgender alcoholic.